Yesterday, I was in the kitchen when I overheard Child 1 say to Child 2- ‘Let’s bum each other!’ (Don’t be alarmed peeps, it’s a bum wrestling game they play. It’s taken on various names throughout the week –the bum game, the bumming game, bum bashing. I’ve suggested they just called it wrestling but they like the word bum. And any other rude word they come across to be honest.)
On Thursday, I went into my bedroom to find Child A trying on my bra. ’What’s this?’, he says, experimentally cupping it over his ears, then on his head, then over his knees, to discover the best possible use for his rare find. Child 2 pointed at my tits and says ‘It’s mummies. For her….(whispers into Child 1’s ears just loud enough for me to hear) booooobies’. And then they both fell about laughing.
This morning, I took the children to a museum (I know, get me!) and of course, you can’t go anywhere without kids needing the loo so I plonked them both in separate cubicles with the doors slightly ajar.
‘I need a poo’, announced Child 1 loudly. Are you doing a poo mummy?’
No, son. I’m not. But thanks for asking.
‘How long will you be?’, I ask him (there’s a queue forming in the toilets).
‘I’m doing 2 poo’s’, he announces, proudly.’I’m going to be 10 hours’.
5 minutes in, he got bored and decided to peep under the cubicle to surprise his sister (who’d long since departed) and so he surpised some other poor woman who was mid flow with her knickers round her ankles instead.
Child 1 emerged from the cubicle with a grim face like a carved mask and I aplogised profusely to said lady (who took it very well, I might add).
10 minutes ago, Child 1 burped. ‘You need to say excuse me when you burp’, I reminded him.
For the last 5 minutes, he’s been repeating ‘Excuse me. Excuse me’. ‘Why do you keep saying ‘Excuse me’, you’re not burping, are you?’ , I ask him.
‘I am’ , he announced proudly. ‘I’m burping out of my bum. I keep doing it. See! (Cue three small farts as a demonstration of what he’s been doing in private….)
I need to teach these kids some manners.
And quick. x